airplane humour

Kirk Reiser kirk at
Mon Jan 8 09:23:16 EST 2001

Occasionally,  airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment.  Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at Southwest Airways."

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