Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter

[A. R. M.]

 Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
 delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
 at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
 cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
 remove them.

 Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
 your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
 falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
 and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
 and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
 may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that
 your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date
 with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
 trousers securely in place to your waist.

 Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
 without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
 elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
 about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
 this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
 you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
 word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
 opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it
 is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
 little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
 finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter
 to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
 you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
 daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
 painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
 don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

 Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with
 my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
 than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or
 nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where
 there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
 ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
 shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,
 a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with
 a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
 feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
 better.

 Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,
 balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to
 my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If
 I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
 tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
 shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
 mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
 over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
 up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I
 wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
 driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
 speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
 brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car.
 There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the
 window is mine.