Letter to Dogs

[Dawes, Stephen]

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with
the paw print
are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain
my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
doggy
sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine
attendance
is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you,  he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't
hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need
a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell
the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.


Steve Dawes
Phone: (403) 268-5527
Email: SDawes at calgary.ca




NOTICE::
This communication is intended ONLY for the use of the person or entity named above and may contain information that is confidential or legally privileged. If you are not the intended recipient named above or a person responsible for delivering messages or communications to the intended recipient, YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED that any use, distribution, or copying of this communication or any of the information contained in it is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by telephone and then destroy or delete this communication, or return it to us by mail if requested by us. The City of Calgary thanks you for your attention and cooperation.

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://linux-speakup.org/pipermail/ohno/attachments/20030716/f02c7da2/attachment.html>