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<TITLE>Letter to Dogs</TITLE>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Dear Dogs:</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw print</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">sarcasm.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">is not mandatory.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">1. The dog lives here. You don't.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Courier New">Steve Dawes</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Courier New">Phone: (403) 268-5527</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Courier New">Email: SDawes@calgary.ca</FONT>
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