Puns!

[Dawes, Stephen]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.=20
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only=20
one carrion allowed per passenger."=20
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2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood=20
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton=20
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became=20
known as the lesser of two weevils.=20
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3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a=20
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have=20
your kayak and heat it, too.=20
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4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides=20
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my=20
paw."=20
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5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a=20
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.=20
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6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were=20
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.=20
After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked=20
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.=20
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open=20
foyer."=20
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7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them=20
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a=20
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a=20
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,=20
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of=20
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,=20
you've seen Ahmal."=20
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8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened=20
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy=20
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the=20
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but=20
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They=20
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the=20
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.=20
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back=20
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby=20
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.=20
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9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,=20
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also=20
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,=20
he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this=20
is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by=20
halitosis.=20
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10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to=20
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them=20
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.=20


Steve Dawes
PH:  (403) 268-5527.=20
Mailto:  sdawes@gov.calgary.ab.ca=20