SOME MUSIC EDUCATION FOR A ROCK SOCIETY
Frank Carmickle
frankiec at braille.uwo.ca
Wed Jun 27 14:32:19 EDT 2001
HOW JAZZ WORKS List of Characters:
Piano: Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory,
harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with
self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often
don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig
and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship
with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will
condescend.
Bass: Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms
with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During
the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt
like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they
are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break,
you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.
Drums: Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always
extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most
psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes
about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really
musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel
bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play
louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be
careful not to sneak up on him.
Saxophone: Saxophonists think they are the most important players on
stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all
the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of
Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak
half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but
audibly while other people are trying to play. They are
obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and
are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a
lot of excuses about his reeds.
Trumpet: Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They
> are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very
attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many
of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis
Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive
at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet
game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is
the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player
during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard
Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
Guitar: Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be
rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their
hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists
hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists
make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist
drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play
harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the
saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most
important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in
haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a
laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate
questions about your 14-year-old sister.
Vocals: Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz
gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for
suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it
surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college
musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes
her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My
Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she
embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the
bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of
the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you _ and the rest of
the audience _ by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even
talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make
your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during
their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she
will introduce you to her "manager."
Trombone: The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like
quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't
anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their
notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most
trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't
want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they
hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn
faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody
really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll
ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.
Picking the Tune Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new
one. That's a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with
jazz group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the
musicians. They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they
tremble at the threat of the unknown. But to pick a tune is to invite
close scrutiny: "So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm..." It's a
complex issue with unpredictable outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick
a tune, and sometimes everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting
disagreements lead to faction-building and _ under extreme conditions _
even impromptu elections. The politics of tune selection makes for some
of the session's best entertainment.
Example 1: No one wants to pick a tune. (previous tune ends) (silence)
trumpet player: "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna pick a tune?" (silence)
trumpet player: "This s%!* is lame. I'm outta here." (Storms out of room,
forgetting to pay tab) rest of band (in unison): "Yes!!!" (Band takes
extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's tab)
Example 2: Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election
and eventual tune selection. (previous tune ends) (pianist and guitarist
simultaneously): "Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!" guitarist to pianist: "You
just want to play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!" pianist to
guitarist: "You just want to play a lot of notes really
fast!" saxophonist: "'Giant Steps'." (a treacherous Coltrane tune
practiced obsessively by saxophonists.) guitarist and pianist
(together): "Go ahead, asshole." trumpet player: "This shit is
lame. 'Night in Tunisia'." (a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous
opportunities for loud, high playing.) saxophonist: "Sorry, forgot my
earplugs, Maynard." (long, awkward silence) pianist, guitarist,
saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to drummer: "Your turn,
Skinhead." (drummer pauses to think of hardest possible tune; a
time-tested drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play actual
notes.) drummer: "Stablemates." trumpet player: F#@* this! I'm outta
here." (Storms out of room, bartender chases after him.) trombonist: "Did
someone forget to turn off the CD player?"
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