You're not a kid any more

[Gene Collins]

 anymore when....

You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.=20

Your back goes out more than you do.=20

You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.=20

The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.=20

The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.=20

You are proud of your lawnmower.=20

8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."=20

People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"=20

Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.=20

Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.=20

Nobody ever tells you to slow down.=20

You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.=20

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.=20

You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles.=20

You're always asked to say the blessing.=20

Your ears are hairier than your head.=20

You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.=20

Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.