A Little Tax Related Humour

[W.B. Carss]

THE LONDON FREE PRESS SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2001 ADVICE

Father happy to let tax department take kids
Dear Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought you might want to print it on Income Tax Day (April 15 in the U.S.). It is a letter allegedly from a taxpayer to the Internal Revenue Service (IRS).
John
Dear John: I have no idea who wrote the letter you sent, but it is perfect for lifting the spirits of my readers today.
Here it is: A
Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying my deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my federal tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned for years whether or not these are my children.
They are ill-behaved and expensive. I am happy to give them to you.
Since they are no longer my responsibility; it is only fair that the government know something about them.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. If you don't believe me, just ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your office, where she can answer people's questions. While she has no formal training, it has not hampered her mastery of any subject you can name.
Next year, she is going to college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. You will like him a lot. Her mother and I have occasionally reminded her of the virtues of abstinence, or at the very least, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved that you will be handling these discussions in the future.
Patrick is 14. I have had my suspicions about him. His eyes are a little closer
together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first.
His hair is purple and he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I have taken the liberty of filing your phone number with the principal for future use.
Do not leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables or telephones. They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.
Please let me know if you would like him delivered to the local IRS branch or the main office.
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic. She is 10, going on 21, wears tie-dyed clothes, beads and sandals. I know you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
Heather cannot speak English. She has a curious style of expression - a cross
between valley girl, yuppie talk and political double-speak.
Heather wears her hat backwards, likes baggy pants and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. She has a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure you can handle it.
Since you have denied two of the three exemptions, it is only fair that you get to pick which two. I prefer that you take Patrick and Heather.
Of course, if you take the two older children, I will have time for intensive counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you decide to take the two girls, I will not object, since I can put Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible. Yours truly, -
Bob



W.B. Carss
wbcarss8149 at home.com

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