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<DIV>THE LONDON FREE PRESS SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2001 ADVICE</DIV>
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<DIV>Father happy to let tax department take kids<BR>Dear Ann Landers: I found
this on the Internet and thought you might want to print it on Income Tax Day
(April 15 in the U.S.). It is a letter allegedly from a taxpayer to the Internal
Revenue Service (IRS).<BR>John<BR>Dear John: I have no idea who wrote the letter
you sent, but it is perfect for lifting the spirits of my readers today.<BR>Here
it is: A<BR>Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying my deduction for
two of the three dependents I claimed on my federal tax return.<BR>Thank you. I
have questioned for years whether or not these are my children.<BR>They are
ill-behaved and expensive. I am happy to give them to you.<BR>Since they are no
longer my responsibility; it is only fair that the government know something
about them.<BR>The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. If you don't
believe me, just ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your office, where
she can answer people's questions. While she has no formal training, it has not
hampered her mastery of any subject you can name.<BR>Next year, she is going to
college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that
little expense.<BR>Kristen also has a boyfriend. You will like him a lot. Her
mother and I have occasionally reminded her of the virtues of abstinence, or at
the very least, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved
that you will be handling these discussions in the future.<BR>Patrick is 14. I
have had my suspicions about him. His eyes are a little closer<BR>together than
those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not
incarcerated first.<BR>His hair is purple and he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I have taken the liberty
of filing your phone number with the principal for future use.<BR>Do not leave
him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables or telephones. They find telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement.<BR>Please let me know if you would like him delivered to the local
IRS branch or the main office.<BR>Heather is an alien. She slid through a time
warp and appeared as if by magic. She is 10, going on 21, wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads and sandals. I know you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses.<BR>Heather cannot speak English. She
has a curious style of expression - a cross<BR>between valley girl, yuppie talk
and political double-speak.<BR>Heather wears her hat backwards, likes baggy
pants and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. She has a fascination
with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure you can handle it.<BR>Since you have
denied two of the three exemptions, it is only fair that you get to pick which
two. I prefer that you take Patrick and Heather.<BR>Of course, if you take the
two older children, I will have time for intensive counselling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you decide to take the two girls, I will not object,
since I can put Patrick in a military academy.<BR>Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible. Yours truly, -<BR>Bob</DIV>
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<DIV>W.B. Carss<BR><A
href="mailto:wbcarss8149@home.com">wbcarss8149@home.com</A><BR></DIV></BODY></HTML>