The Taser

[Kirk Reiser]

     Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-
volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be
  short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety...

     WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home
.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

     Nothing!  I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

     AWESOME!
     Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

     Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul
) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I  thought
  about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it
.. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
  to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some  assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

     So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand
, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
  muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
  would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
   water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

     All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long
, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

     What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best…

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it, dipstick!,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad…I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button and…HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,. WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . .
     I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position
, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace
, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second
burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
-second burst would be considered conservative?

     A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
  originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

     Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

     P.S.--My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!