Tazers - Definitely a Worthwhile Read for a SMILE

[Kirk Reiser]

Tazers - Definitely a Worthwhile Read for a SMILE

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this sh*t!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this
true story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here
goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket purse sized
Tazer with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this household security
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You
simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.  If
you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed.

Upon reading the directions (I'm a techno-geek...we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole
bunch of fun.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against
a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud
pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries,
etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be
me doin' the readin', not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the
time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust
me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of
what followed.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of
it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.  Don't ya hate
that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
eight or nine times.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nips on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! do it again, do it
again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second
burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about
on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the
prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-B*TCH that
hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce
or two, I'm pretty sure.  By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I
think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather
large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em
. . . sure would like to get 'em back.