Hamsters

[Kirk Reiser]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome =
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will =
have you laughing out LOUD.

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what =
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in =
his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can = you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my
face and = followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back looking
stressed. = I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I
= was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't = want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she =
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most = loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she =
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of
the = family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to = make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really = do
think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny = foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified..

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it =
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
several = more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they =
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the =
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly..

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.  (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is =
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
= animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak = to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
= fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into =
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just
= the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife. = "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife offered.>

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle..
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman = I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.  "It's just... that... I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its ... teeny = little..." she gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
= son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...

1 - Cage - 20 bucks

Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...

Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's
wacker........ Priceless!