Theorems?

[Frank Carmickle]

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit
new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

5th place (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of
shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to
equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your
head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it
out.

3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic) The Chinese are technologically
underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a
whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use
acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) Deforestation may cause
earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet.
Just as a figure-skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought
in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth
to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands
on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side
down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered
side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will
cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden
felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail
system.