Today's Funny

[A. R. M.]

Some wisdom from Andy Rooney...

On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your
bills now?  Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff
junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in
with my check when I mail it in.   Things like coffee grinds, banana
peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff)  'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but
it's hard to get that 'April fresh scent' out of your clothes.

On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have
no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Phone-In Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues?  Did you ever notice there's always like 8% that say 'I don't
know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting 'I don't
know'. "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."
(Says into phone) "I don't know!" (Hangs up looking proud). "Some-
times you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not
in the mood."

On 'Cripes':
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes'. "For Cripe's sake." Who would that be;
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. Do you think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny,  positive messages on someone's
an answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love'."
(answering machine - beep). "Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling.
Speaking of being positive, your test results are back...."